Saturday, February 17, 2007

Fire and Flood

I'm going to backtrack my week a bit today. Last Tuesday night (actually is was Wednesday morning but keep reading) the phone rang at 2:00 am. I am of the age that when the phone rings at 2:00 in the morning the first thing that goes through my head is "OMG, someone has died!" No, it was the evil soon-to-be ex (I'll call him Satan for the rest of the post. It's my little pet name for him) calling me from Vegas which he apparently hasn't figured out is in another freakin' time zone! He promptly announces that our Michigan house is on fire. Crap. He got a call from our security monitoring service saying they were sending fire trucks out there. I have a love/hate relationship with this house. It is a truly beautiful house that is on 2 acres of wooded land located between Detroit and Ann Arbor. An architect built it for himself and it is a soft contemporary that has a very Zen feel to it. This said, I don't know why Satan bought the house. He was renting a 3 BR place in a great area and Monkey Boy and I were moving up so for some reason he bought a house - outside of Detroit - one of the worst housing markets in the US. Whatever. To top it off, if he had put it on the market when I asked him to, it would have sold. But he kept saying that he might want to keep it. Well he's stuck with it now because he put it on the market after 3 automotive plants closed in the area.

After hanging up, I started thinking about the best case scenarios for the fire. There's #1, the security system was acting up again and sent out a false alarm. Then there's option #2, which is the place burns to the ground. Why would I be OK with option #2? Because one of the reasons that my divorce is taking so long is because Satan needs to sell this house to afford the divorce. If it burns to the ground, the insurance would pay it off.

Surprisingly, I can't go to sleep after this phone call, which is just fine because he calls again at 4:30am. The house isn't on fire, its flooded. We have temperature sensors on our alarm system and when the internal temp hits 35 degrees (the furnace broke), the alarm contacts the monitoring service. The less than bright girl working at the monitoring service interpreted the notification as fire instead of low temp. But it worked out OK because the drop in temp caused the pipe to burst, so at least the fire dept. turned off the water to the house.

Satan tells me during this phone call that someone had suggested that he turn the water off to the house and winterize it. I asked why he didn't do this. His answer: because it was warm when they told him to do it and he didn't think it would need it. Wow. This is why I called my mom and asked her to be my alibi if I shot him. If you are worried, he's still alive. So in one night, I was told about a fire and flood. All I need is a plague of locust to round the night out.


Blogger ellie bee said...

are you sure we don't have the same ex-husband? I swear to God, their minds work (or don't work) exactly alike. That is exactly the same sorry ass logic that my husband used!!! Scarey!!!

6:17 PM  
Anonymous Stick Knits said...

men are just Dumb!!

6:26 PM  
Blogger Peach Pod said...

I don't know, ellie, was your husband self-centered to the point that people referred to him as his own planet (I’m not making this up!)? Did he care so much about his grooming, spent so much on clothing and cars and took longer to get ready than you every single time you went out that gay men called him high maintenance (again, I’m not making this up!)? Did he spend huge quantities of money on something he wanted and then tell you that ‘we’ need to cut back? To top it all off, did he continue to ‘date’ in spite of being married? If so, it might be the same guy!

7:28 PM  
Blogger Peach Pod said...

Wow, after reading my comment, I realized it came out way more bitter than I had planned. Sorry for the acid spill!

7:31 PM  
Blogger liv said...

Peach, yes, Ellie's ex truly is a planet unto himself. Trust, don't question. They all are. Mine is trying to screw me out of a decent settlement right now because he thinks he can use his awesomely awesome legal powers against me. Guess what? Girls will win. Every time. Why??? Because we're better. And, yes, it's 1:30 and I've been to see a punky band play downtown and had 2 beers. So there.

10:33 PM  
Blogger Peach Pod said...

I like you liv, you find the truth in life through partying. You rock! And you are right, girls will win. BTW, I'm so jealous of the whole band/beer event!

6:06 AM  
Blogger lu said...

Mine can't manage buying life insurance, but he can come up with cash the important things---front row tickets to see The Blue Man Group. This was part of his ploy to win me back. He's so lost in his nether regions he thinks I might have interest in this and sees this as more important than being certain that his children will be ok if something happens to him. He "lives for happiness today..."

The Blue Man Group? On tour? Give me a fucking break.

Oh, and house fires and flooding...I spent our entire marriage putting out fires and bailing out basements. I'm still putting our flair ups and patching leaks.

He left me with a 100 year old house, and zero in the bank.

But I'm lucky, because he's so "very trustworthy" and always makes the support payments within a week of the due date. Except next month- the month that everything is due, he's warned me that he might not have it.

But we Blue Man Group Tickets!!

--I'm jealous of Liv too! I was going to go to an Art opening, but the Ex called, and I let him keep me from it. Why didn’t I tell him to get lost? I listened to his talk about how great he is and prattle off about all the reasons he’s not responsible for the demise of our marriage--exposing how lost he is in his own sense of greatness…arghh

6:18 AM  
Blogger lu said...

oh dear, I think I win the acid spill test here. sorry.

6:19 AM  
Blogger Peach Pod said...

Wow! Does it amaze ya'll how similar our lives are? I have the husband who's in denial of the fact that his having a mistress for 4 freakin' years is the reason I left him. He called up this past Sunday asking what I wanted to do for Valentine's Day as he was flying in? WTF!? I told him I had plans (sadly I didn't) and asked him why he thought that he needed to show up for Valentine's Day this year when he hadn't for the past 3? His response: But Valentine's Day is special.

I think you should put the Blue Man tickets on eBay and use the money for bills and booze.

7:08 AM  
Blogger lu said...

Excellent Idea!

7:36 AM  
Blogger liv said...

Yikes! Yeah, mine still doesn't seem to have a twinge of sorrow over the fact that he's had a girlfriend over the course of our marriage. Somehow it's my fault, and did I mention that he wants to screw me out of my house???? Oh, why? Because it's his house because I haven't really been doing anything beyond shitting out kids with special needs, home construction management, and bitching.

And the worst is that I am still a relatively nice person who chronically forgets about the flames of anger licking about me long enough to make nice with him.
Maybe I'm just so ADD that I can't remember what I was angry about on Friday.

12:58 PM  
Blogger Peach Pod said...

I have the same problem with the nice thing. I get angry but don't really stay angry because (1) I don't care about or for him anymore. My lack of sustainable anger corresponds to my lack of depth of feelings for him, and (2) I’m just too tired to spend my energy on major anger (but apparently have plenty of energy for bitterness!). So I have my little hissy fits and quickly move on.

1:39 PM  
Blogger liv said...

mmmm....bitterness. the stuff of life.

1:47 PM  

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